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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28175286">shouldn’t talk about it</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas'>fiveyaaas</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Diego Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Drug Abuse, Fluff, Gift Fic, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, M/M, Pansexual Klaus Hargreeves, Pseudo-Incest, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, Sexuality Crisis, Smut, Whump, for rat!!!!!, for sag bash!!!!!!!, not quite that intense but i wanted to tag to be safe, there isn’t actually smut when they’re under 18 but I was tagging to be certain</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:08:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,330</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28175286</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ultimately, he decided that the experimentation was only making him more confused, so he just decided the tried and true method of repressing his feelings completely and convincing himself that he hated everything, ever.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Diego Hargreeves/Klaus Hargreeves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>shouldn’t talk about it</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/msouma/gifts">msouma</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is for Rat, written for their birthday!!! They are such a wonderful friend to me, and I’m so glad that they decided to do a super angst-y fic exchange to celebrate our birthdays together!!! I hope that their birthday is filled with joy, and I hope that they enjoy this fic!!! I recommend everybody check out the writer this is gifted to because they are one of the sweetest people I know!!! They bring so much light to my life, and I appreciate them immensely. 💕💕💕</p><p>A quick reminder that this fic will include include infidelity as well as sexuality issues dealing with internalized biphobia. I am a lesbian, and I’ve been out of the closet for over six years now (it just occurred to me how long it’s been as I write this omfg), but I tried to model Diego’s emotions to something similar to what I experienced in the days before I was out. However, I don’t speak for the bisexual community at all, and I apologize if I am off in my portrayal at all. As far as the infidelity goes, I just want to be clear that it will not be dealing directly with sexuality struggles at all and won’t fall under the “people cheat on their partners because they’re bisexual” trope because I think that’s an awful and lazy way of portraying bisexuality/pansexuality. However, if any of these things are upsetting to anybody, I encourage you not to read this fic!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It wasn’t that he meant for this to happen. He didn’t know exactly what Father would think of this, but he had always discouraged the Umbrella Academy fraternizing. It was something they all innately knew, something they all accepted, even. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Diego blamed the fact that he was unable to interact with many people outside of the Academy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If he could interact with other people, maybe he would be able to find somebody that wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>Klaus. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>There were multiple reasons that he didn’t want to be with him, but the glaringly obvious one was the one he tried to shove down, telling himself that there was no way it could be true. What would it even mean if it </span>
  <em>
    <span>was?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Generally speaking, the sex ed in the Umbrella Academy was simple- ‘if you have sex, you will stray from your mission, and you will have failed the world.’ Which, yeah, he knew it wasn’t precisely true, but he also didn’t know anything about what it meant to be gay. Klaus once used the word ‘pansexual,’ but he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>about to ask him what it meant, afraid of him trying to assume </span>
  <em>
    <span>why </span>
  </em>
  <span>he was asking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, he suffered in silence, something he did frequently and had already accepted was just something he would have to do for the rest of his life. Though he knew there were probably ways that he could understand this better if he just </span>
  <em>
    <span>asked, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he also knew that the conversation would be too uncomfortable. Plus, going to Mom for this information would probably alert her that something was off, and she’d ask a bunch of questions that he didn’t ever want his mom to ask him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>All of this had started during training, of all things. They’d been working on hand-to-hand. He’d been forced to pair up with Klaus, likely because he, Diego, and Ben were all friends and Reginald had taken notice of this and wanted them to stop. Klaus had never been skilled in anything dealing with combat, which Diego didn’t mind. His power wasn’t one that was ever even useful on missions, and Diego was happy that he didn’t have to worry about him getting hurt if he did nothing on them. While Luther probably had problems with it, as Number One, Diego was </span>
  <em>
    <span>thankful.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>When he saw Klaus practically cower beside him, heard Reginald tell them that if Diego didn’t follow the disarming technique properly, Diego wanted nothing more than to ignore what he said. However, the word ‘Two’ kept reverberating through his skull. On autopilot, he tackled Klaus, feeling guilt at the bewildered noise his friend made. As he hovered above him, both of them breathing heavily, he felt remorse stir in his gut. And then, the longer they stayed there, something </span>
  <em>
    <span>else. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Flummoxed, Diego hopped off of him, heart pounding. He wished, more than anything in that moment, that Klaus wasn’t as </span>
  <em>
    <span>perceptive </span>
  </em>
  <span>as he was because he could feel his gaze on him, confused. Clearly, he had no idea what thoughts were going through his mind. Otherwise, he would have made some teasing remark about it, something he did frequently in uncomfortable situations. If Klaus had done so just then, Diego may have tackled him again (not to do what had crossed his mind, of course, but to give him a black eye). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After that, it became impossible </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>to notice the difference in how he acted with Klaus as opposed to everyone else. Ben was his friend, but he didn’t think these thoughts about him. Well, he did if he really focused on it, but he didn’t further examine that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This realization made him panic, and he forced himself to start paying attention to Allison and Vanya, instead. The problem was that both of them were so fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>annoying</span>
  </em>
  <span> that he wasn’t sure if he <em>could</em> think of them in that context, except in hopes that it would make them just shut </span>
  <em>
    <span>up. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Nonetheless, he persisted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He started with Seven, imagining that it would be easier because she wasn’t in the Academy and he didn’t think the fraternizing rule applied to her. Observing her was nauseating, though. The way she would stare forlornly at the unoccupied spot at the table (truly unnecessary to have the seat be there, really, and he was 90% certain Reginald didn’t just move it away to remind them all what would happen if they defied him… and, well, for the theatrics, which were important for Father) or the way she would tear up as she made the most disgusting looking sandwiches he had ever seen. How could anyone possibly be attracted to </span>
  <em>
    <span>that? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>After the realization that Seven would remain pathetic and irritating for the rest of her life, he started studying Allison instead. She was more attractive, at the very least, so that was a point in her favor. However, the way that she looked up to Luther so much and the bitchy way she sneered at everyone that didn’t satisfy her needs-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neither of them, then. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As little as he went outside of the gates of the Academy, he didn't really have much time to observe other girls, so he had to do it at strategic times. Namely, right after they had all finished a mission and would talk to the press. He would study the girls in the crowd, trying to see if </span>
  <em>
    <span>any </span>
  </em>
  <span>of them could make him feel the way Klaus (and, well, sometimes Ben, if he thought too long on it) made him feel, but, because he never had the chance to know what their personalities were even </span>
  <em>
    <span>like, </span>
  </em>
  <span>all he could ever do was notice if they were attractive or not. However, immediately after he noticed a girl was attractive, he would see a guy in the audience as well, and he’d noticed they were attractive too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ultimately, he decided that the experimentation was only making him more confused, so he just decided the tried and true method of repressing his feelings completely and convincing himself that he hated everything, ever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And, truly, it worked out well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a while. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But, then, he was feeling too much. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a mission. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Really, he couldn’t remember all of the details of it at all, only two major things. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first had been while they were trying to evacuate victims. Diego had never liked evacuating victims as they were all so irritatingly </span>
  <em>
    <span>emotional </span>
  </em>
  <span>about the entire process, crying like a sea of Sevens, but Luther had given the order, likely to piss him off. He followed the order, knowing that he would never possibly be the leader if he couldn’t even be a good </span>
  <em>
    <span>follower,</span>
  </em>
  <span> but he did it with his face dripping with disdain. When the victims kept trying to ask him if it was safe, he snapped at them to shut up and calm down, not employing the stupid ass calming techniques they were trained in for these scenarios because, frankly, the victims should just be thankful that he was saving them in the first place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was as he was yelling at the victim to shut up, though, that he heard Klaus’s scream. Without caring about his orders at all, he darted into the building, trying to find Klaus, panicking. When he realized that he’d just seen an unsettling ghost, Diego resisted the urge to roll his eyes, instead asking gruffly, “You okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Klaus had nodded, glancing down abashedly, and Diego actually felt bad for a few moments, knowing that the ghost probably had to have been pretty bad to have warranted a response like that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me if you-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was cut off by another scream. It came in the direction of the victims, so Diego had almost been tempted to ignore it, knowing that ordinary people were more emotional than them, but then he’d recognized the voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At Ben’s funeral, he knew it was his fault that he was dead. If he hadn’t abandoned his post, gone to search for Klaus, Ben wouldn’t be dead in the first place. The guilt pressed down on him, sitting in his throat, and he changed it into barbed remarks that made the others flinch as he said them. Even though he didn’t actually mean them, at least not in this circumstance, knowing he was culpable of Ben’s death, they made his guilt persist just a little less. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And, considering he was the reason his brother had died, he had plenty of it already.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Klaus listened to Ben yammer on while he started sifting through Vanya’s pills, trying to see if it would make this whole </span>
  <em>
    <span>dead brother </span>
  </em>
  <span>thing a little less awful. He’d never tried her pills before, but, considering the fact that she spent most of her time in a drugged out haze, he figured that maybe they would be kind of nice for a little bit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Really, he should </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>to talk to his brother, to spend time with him when none of the others could even do </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but he also didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to see him this way. Even though he was visible to him, he was visible in a way that he’d never wanted to see of any of his siblings, ever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t want to listen to Ben scolding him, either. Having someone in his ear, telling him that he was going to hurt himself, only made him want to get high even more. Truly, his scolding was counterproductive, which he really should learn sooner rather than later, anyways. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You realize that you’re hurting yourself, right?” Ben asked him, irritation clear in his voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t that the point, somewhat?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want you to die too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, calm down, Six. I won’t die from this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t even know why she takes these, what if you end up hurting Vanya too in the process?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She always seems to have some, I’m sure she won’t even notice if she’s missing a few.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you even know what’s in them?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that I want you to shut up,” Klaus snapped as he tossed back four pills, liking the poetic meaning of the number.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He walked downstairs, listening to Ben continue to berate him. Hopefully, in about thirty minutes or so, his voice would fade out. Technically, he could have gotten faster results if he’d chewed or even snorted them, but he was being careful for Ben’s sake. A sort of ‘sorry, you’re dead, that sure sucks’ gesture. Klaus was thoughtful like that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How does Mom not even notice when you do shit like this?” Ben pointed out when they passed by Grace.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe Father Dearest took away her ability to care about me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben rolled his eyes, taking a spot at his empty seat. Nobody would notice that he did this, but it was the thought that counted really. Before he’d died, Klaus had noticed that Ben would sometimes glance over at Five’s spot at the table, like Vanya did all of the time. He knew that he probably missed him, and he felt a little guilty that Five had never flocked to him. Though, really, the idea of spending the rest of his existence with both of their judgement looming over him was too much. Five would probably whine less about his drug use, considering he’d never really paid attention to it when he’d been around, too busy with coloring on his walls or trying to get Vanya’s attention or whatever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Really, Klaus was thankful Five likely wasn’t dead. If he kept looking over at Vanya when she stared at his spot at the table, Klaus wouldn’t be able to eat his breakfast, too focused on paying attention to the free soap opera. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re starting to zone out,” Ben announced. “Reginald is noticing. Shake your head like you’re trying to clear your thoughts and take a bite of food.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why did </span>
  </em>
  <span>he </span>
  <em>
    <span>care about what Reginald thought of him?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Apparently, his thoughts must be clearly written on his face because Ben explained, “Clearly, you’re not about to overdose, so I don’t think it’s worth him yelling at you and you only doing </span>
  <em>
    <span>more </span>
  </em>
  <span>to spite him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Klaus rolled his eyes, wishing that Ben could understand that pattern when it came to himself berating him. Unfortunately, Ben was never that great at realizing these sorts of things, probably because he was too focused on maintaining his own self-righteousness to notice anybody else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know, it’s pretty clear that you’re thinking judge-y thoughts about me. I’m just trying to help you, considering the fact that I actually know what it’s like to be dead.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Was he going to use this as an excuse to be nosy for the rest of Klaus’s life?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Likely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, just as he had the thought, the pills kicked in, a cloudy film coming over Klaus’s thoughts. He wasn’t used to lethargy overtaking him this quickly, but it felt like he was sinking underwater. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>These pills were awful. He wouldn’t be taking them again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The rest of the day he spent in a trance, movements clearly sluggish enough for Reginald to start yelling at him, but the usual shame he’d feel when he berated him wasn’t capable of forming, like the emotions were there but disconnected from him. As he suffered a few cuts and bruises in training, he didn’t really think much about it. It was painful, sure, but he just wanted to take a nap. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Through a fog, he heard Diego talking to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Klaus asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I asked, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘what did you take?’”</span>
  </em>
  <span> They were in the hallways, just outside their rooms, and it occurred to him that most of the day had gone by. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really sure,” Klaus told him, remembering how there had been no name or prescription on the bottle. He could technically say that he had taken Vanya’s pills, but there really wasn’t any reason to do so. Really, he wasn’t going to take any more of whatever this was, so it didn’t actually matter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you need me to get Mom?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. Don’t do that. I’ll be fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m worried about you,” Diego blurted. Normally, Klaus would take a chance to mock him for showing any concern at all, considering the fact that he despised most people and made it pretty fucking clear at all hours, but he would be lying if he said that he didn’t appreciate the words. It felt nice to have someone actually care about him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Though he couldn’t see or hear Ben, he could </span>
  <em>
    <span>sense </span>
  </em>
  <span>him rolling his eyes, which he knew was a result of guilt, considering that ghosts weren’t actually capable of reading his thoughts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“‘M fine,” Klaus assured him, stumbling to his bedroom. He was pretty sure that it was bedtime, and that this was what he was supposed to do. As he stared at the ceiling above him, he wondered if Ben would come back tomorrow. Shockingly, Klaus missed him in this state. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe the pills were the reason Vanya cried all the time; he could feel himself tearing up despite not having realized he was upset at all. And when he started crying, he couldn’t stop, no matter how much he wanted to. Somewhere in his room, Ben would be witnessing this shameful act. One thing that he was used to hearing Reginald berate them all for more than anything else was showing </span>
  <em>
    <span>emotion. </span>
  </em>
  <span>They were supposed to put their feelings aside. ‘The Umbrella Academy is responsible for saving the world,’ Reginald would say. ‘The fate of the world supersedes frivolity.’ He’d said this once when Five had had a panic attack after getting stuck in a tight space for three hours, the panic attack of course being the frivolity. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Though Klaus tried his best to not please Reginald or follow the example he set, sometimes it was impossible to not have his claws sink into his thoughts. When somebody heard the same thing over and over and over and over and over again, it would eventually get stuck there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, he tried to make the crying stop, but he was unsuccessful. Instead, he tucked his forehead to his pillow, trying to fall asleep instead.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>The two years that followed Ben’s death went by in a blur. Diego spent most of it trying to make sure that Klaus didn’t make any mistakes that would end in his death, doing so in subtle enough ways that he wouldn’t notice and point it out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He told himself that he was doing the right thing by watching Klaus all the time. Considering the fact that he’d have died multiple times if he hadn’t, there was no reason for him to watch over him. It was a matter of taking care of him and ensuring he didn’t get hurt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he continued paying attention to him, he noticed something. There was a ghost that he actually didn’t mind talking to. Diego wondered who the ghost was. If it was somebody that both of them knew or if it was somebody that only he knew. One time, Klaus told him that some of the ghosts weren’t all that awful, that sometimes they just liked to ramble on and were occasionally likable. He had said it with a truly pointed tone, making Diego wonder if the ghost had been present when he was saying the words. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Klaus was more perceptive than people often gave him credit for, and he eventually pointed out the obvious- that Diego paid him more attention than he did anybody else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you always watching me?” Klaus’s voice sounded bored as he played around with a recently sharpened pencil. Technically, they weren’t supposed to speak right now, considering that this was time allotted for independent studies. Oftentimes though, Luther and Allison or Klaus and Allison would spend this time mumbling to one another. All that was left of the family was Luther, Allison, Klaus, and himself anyways. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” Diego replied, evading the question as he drew in the margins of one of the expensive first-edition books from Father’s collection. It wasn’t that he actually thought he would notice enough to get pissed off; he just hoped he would. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Klaus started drawing with him, with much more skill. He actually liked art, something that Diego attributed to his somewhat rebellious streak. Diego really enjoyed that Klaus cared so much about things other than the Academy. There wasn’t anything about him that seemed to care what Reginald thought, and Diego wished he could think more like him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You watch me,” Klaus said brusquely, flipping to the dedication by the author and scribbling over it. “All the time, I see you watching me. Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Diego heaved out a sigh. “It’s not intentional.” It was. “I don’t even realize I’m doing it.” He did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lying to Klaus though, about watching over him, seemed right. If Klaus knew that he was making sure he didn’t hurt himself, he’d stop letting Diego watch him, and he’d subsequently get hurt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t mind that you do it, you know,” Klaus remarked after he’d drawn spirals all over the title page. “Though it </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> weird. Don’t you hate everybody?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t hate you,” Diego blurted before feeling his cheeks heating. “It’s not… I don’t hate you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, bro.” Klaus’s voice held a levity that Diego assumed </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be somewhat faked. Nobody could feel as secure in themselves as Klaus clearly could. “Do you want to spend free time together?” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Klaus smirked, setting down the pencil and glancing forward. Grace was humming softly to herself in the front of the room dedicated for academics, and Diego felt his face heat up more. If she had noticed this exchange, she’d not said anything about it, but he could feel himself growing guilty at not doing what he was supposed to during this time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Diego stopped talking all of a sudden, Klaus gave him a befuddled look. As Diego started to actually work on the assignment, Klaus muttered, “I’ll be in the library during free time this week if you want to meet me there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Diego nodded, trying to focus on his work but unsure how to respond to what Klaus was saying. Considering the fact that he never actually did his assignments, it was probably clear that he was using it as an excuse to not look at Klaus. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Three days later, he went to the library, offering Klaus a small smile when his gaze landed on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you ever thought of running away?” Klaus asked him when he sat down beside him, not greeting him or easing into the topic at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you?” Diego countered. He had actually thought of running away a lot, and the only reason he hadn’t yet was standing right beside him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Klaus glanced over to him, he felt his heart pound. “I want to run away, yeah. Sometimes when I sneak out, I think about what would happen if I just… didn’t go home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you going to?” He hoped that he didn’t sound too interested. Of course, if he didn’t sound interested at all, Klaus might do it, which would be more upsetting than him figuring out how he felt about him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His voice held a joking quality when he replied, “You want me to?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Klaus smiled. “You’re much sweeter than you give yourself credit for, Diego.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He blushed, mumbling, “Thank you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your stutter has gotten a lot better too. Whatever happened to that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now that he was thinking about it, he worried that it would mess him up. Closing his eyes, and imagining the words, he told Klaus, “Mom helped.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you actually think of her as a mother?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Diego’s eyes opened in bewilderment, “Of course I do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why wouldn’t I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Klaus shrugged. “She’s a machine, isn’t she?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Diego frowned, crossing his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry,” Klaus told him, glancing down. “I didn’t realize.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why did you want to spend free time together?” Diego asked him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanted to see if anybody would notice if I ran away, I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I would, Klaus.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were silent for the rest of their free time. At one point, Klaus pulled out a Sharpie from his pocket and started drawing on his own legs. Diego wasn’t entirely certain how he was supposed to have a conversation with him, so he just shoved his hands in his pockets and stared forward, waiting for Klaus to speak first. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once the thirty minutes were up, Klaus leaned forward, and, without seeming to think anything of it at all, kissed his cheek before darting away to training. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he watched his form retreat, Diego kept his hand pressed to his cheek, trying to get himself to stop gaping. When Klaus winked at him when he got to the gymnasium, he made a choked noise, snapping at Allison, the person closest to him. </span>
</p><hr/><p>When he was seventeen years old, Klaus decided that he was tired of listening to Ben much at all. Sometimes, he could get away with just ignoring him, but most of the time he avoided him through whatever substances he could get his hands on. Shots of Everclear, a couple Xanax… he wasn’t particular. Couldn’t really afford to be, given the fact that he could only sneak out so often. </p><p>
  <span>Thoughts of leaving were always present, but there were a few reasons he stayed. For one thing, he had never lived a life without Reginald paying for everything. Maybe it was another way that he kept them from leaving, considering the fact that he didn’t think any of them knew the slightest about how finances actually worked. He wasn’t sure about a lot of things, and the idea of coming back after the first attempt was unsuccessful… No, he wouldn’t do it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anytime he was almost convinced he could get the courage to just run away, he’d remember that, and he’d just accept that eighteen was nearing closer everyday. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Diego helped things a little. He was very clearly a bisexual man in the closet, but Klaus figured that he was much better than nothing. In fact, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>enjoyed </span>
  </em>
  <span>spending time with him, vexing him during free time and wondering which time he’d be the one to make the first move. A lot of times, they’d spend the entire thirty minutes making out and not talking at all, but he almost enjoyed the times when they just talked even more. It felt like he was accessing a side of Diego that nobody else was privy to, and it made him feel </span>
  <em>
    <span>special. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It probably made him pathetic, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Diego backed off when other people were around, though. Klaus wasn’t sure if he was ashamed because he was involved with a man or because he was involved with </span>
  <em>
    <span>him. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Either way, he forced down the unease each time it happened. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was always subtle things. Like when they’d be in training, and he’d try to take his hand for reassurance. He’d always flinch away from it, snap something about how he was too touchy-feely (which, for a matter of fact, Klaus knew he didn’t <em>actually</em> have a problem with). There were also the times after a mission when Klaus would want to hug him, happy that they’d survived, and he’d tell him something in his ears like, ‘people can see us, you know.’ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Each time, he’d force down the hurt, knowing that Diego just wasn’t ready to be out of the closet. It wasn’t a huge deal. Maybe he was just waiting until after they left the Academy, which would make a lot of sense, really. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is getting out of hand,” Ben told him, suddenly appearing by his side. Klaus frowned at him, unused to his brother popping up. Then again, he had been a little bad at taking enough to force him from interacting with him. He would have to fix that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s getting out of hand?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm, should we go with the Diego situation or the you-taking-a-shit-ton-of-drugs-to-spite-me situation?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel like you’re reaching a bit. Have you considered that maybe I’m just doing a bunch of drugs because they’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>fun?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben scowled at him long enough that Klaus sighed, loudly, “Fine, yeah, I might’ve done them </span>
  <em>
    <span>partially</span>
  </em>
  <span> to avoid you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would you do </span>
  <em>
    <span>that? </span>
  </em>
  <span>You know that you can always just be like, ‘hey, Ben! Could you maybe give me a little bit of space?’”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would you actually listen?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t you just accept it when people want to help you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Obviously not,” he snapped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he started searching around for something to take, Ben gave him a sad look that made his guilt only worsen. It was a vicious cycle- he’d feel guilty and then he’d want to take something to make it go away and then he’d feel guilty for that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” Klaus stopped looking around his room, instead laying down on his bed. “I don’t mean to act like this, you know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine,” Ben said. “But I think you </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> mean to act like this, though.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Klaus glanced over at him with a frown, and Ben only shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Klaus, you know that all I care about is that you take better care of yourself, right? I’m just scared for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t know how to handle </span>
  <em>
    <span>that, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and he didn’t want to bother unpacking that. When he laid back more, stretching out his lanky limbs, he asked his brother, eyes closed, “Do you think I’m a fuck-up, Ben?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even though his eyes were closed, he could </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel</span>
  </em>
  <span> the concern radiating off of him. “Why do you think that, Klaus?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s very clear that you think that. Otherwise, you’d let me be.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It would be the same if any of the others had this power, Klaus. I just don’t want you… You don’t realize how awful it is for me to see you hurt yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could feel the urge to cry coming back, and he squelched it down as much as he could. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben sat down beside him. The bed didn’t shift as he did, which only made Klaus feel more awful. “Ben, I’m really sorry you’re not alive,” he blurted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There wasn’t anything you could have done.” When Klaus opened up one eye to see his face, Ben sighed. “You do realize that, no matter what any of you guys did, it was Reginald’s fault for putting us on that mission in the first place, right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If he put it like that, it was easy to see, but it was also impossible to look at it that way, not when they were </span>
  <em>
    <span>regularly</span>
  </em>
  <span> told that he wouldn’t have died if it hadn’t been for all of them losing sight of the mission. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It sometimes feels like it’s my fault,” Klaus told him, not seeing the point in lying about it when it was so evident to both of them that he did. “And sometimes I think it’s my fault that I haven’t… I dunno, brought you back to life?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Klaus, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>judge you for anything that has happened to me. Don’t think that I do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>judge myself for it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben was silent for a few moments, clearly not knowing what to say to that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to say anything,” Klaus offered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I change the subject, in that case?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What to?” His tone was somewhat amused, and it occurred to him that he actually had a </span>
  <em>
    <span>friend </span>
  </em>
  <span>in Ben. It would be nice to have someone to talk to that didn’t confuse him infinitely. With Ben being dead, he couldn’t exactly do much </span>
  <em>
    <span>to </span>
  </em>
  <span>confuse him, considering how little he was capable of doing at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To Diego.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Klaus shrugged, “What do you want to know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you tell him how you feel?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And what is it that I feel?” Klaus tried to force down the bitterness in his tone, but it was still clearly there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t like it that he pushes you away,” Ben told him, not caring that he was breaking boundaries when the entire nature of their relationship these days was based on a general lack of boundaries. “It bothers you that he pretends to not care about you, and do </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>try to tell me otherwise.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It doesn’t matter,” Klaus replied. “It’s never going to change as long as we’re in this house.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think it’ll change once you leave it, though?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That doesn’t matter.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It did.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Diego left just before his eighteenth birthday, signing up for the police academy almost immediately after doing so. Leaving his family behind had been the best decision, even if it meant leaving Klaus as well. It was just the right thing for him to do. He didn’t know </span>
  <em>
    <span>what </span>
  </em>
  <span>he wanted from his life, but he knew it was likely best that he leave Klaus behind while he tried to figure it out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he met Eudora, the feelings he’d always wanted came to him, and it was a welcome transition from Klaus. She was exactly like Klaus, too- beautiful, sweet-but-not-overly-so, confident, funny, and intelligent. He didn’t struggle with being attracted to her. Nothing about her was confusing to him, and he appreciated it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The night she asked him out, he accepted, wanting to see if the feelings would develop past the initial attraction. He wanted them to. Needed the confirmation that he </span>
  <em>
    <span>could </span>
  </em>
  <span>care for her. He had found a few women </span>
  <em>
    <span>attractive, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but she was the first one he’d ever wanted to be with. Hopefully, this would develop into something more than just the first flash of attraction he’d feel for a woman that would quickly be shut after he remembered he’d never be able to truly explore it further. Now that he had the ability to do so, he hoped that it meant that he </span>
  <em>
    <span>could. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe it was a </span>
  <em>
    <span>little</span>
  </em>
  <span> telling that he wanted so badly to be attracted to her, but he didn’t try to put much thought into that, imaging tons of people felt that way when they first started thinking about someone in a romantic context. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was not that he </span>
  <em>
    <span>wasn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>attracted to her because he </span>
  <em>
    <span>was, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but his mind kept flashing back to Klaus, wondering what he would think of all this. If he thought anything of it at all. It’d be awfully presumptuous for Diego to assume he had feelings for him just because they admitted stuff to one another that they hadn’t to anybody else and made out at all opportunities they had. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Part of the reason he was so hesitant to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>public </span>
  </em>
  <span>with Klaus was the knowledge that Klaus likely had a lot of people he went for at any given moment, that Diego wasn’t precisely </span>
  <em>
    <span>special </span>
  </em>
  <span>to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he would be lying if he tried to say it was the most prominent reason. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>One of the first things he’d done when he’d left the house had been to go to the library and literally </span>
  <em>
    <span>researched. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He wanted to learn about sexuality, wanted to know what his even </span>
  <em>
    <span>was, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and he genuinely thought that if he knew better then maybe he could find Klaus and tell him how he felt. It was a little stupid, he knew, but he didn’t think he could ever even be with him unless he knew for sure what he himself wanted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt a little childish at times, how he crushed on Klaus. There was something about him that he just couldn’t quite explain. It was like he stuck out in his mind more than anybody else, made him feel excited about things that he’d normally scorn if anybody else brought it up. He made him want to be more enthusiastic about things he’d never cared about before. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It made sense that when he arrived at the date with Eudora, he didn’t pay attention at all, knowing who he wanted to be there with. It didn’t matter that he was attracted to her, or that he was attracted to both women and men. Because there was only one person he could see himself with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eudora took it fine that he wanted to just be friends afterwards.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>When Diego left, Klaus was filled with a heaviness that didn’t make him want to reach for pills but instead made him want to change himself completely, in hopes that it would keep Diego there beside him. Ben listened to him when he cried about it before finally saying, ‘Maybe you should take this as an opportunity to finally leave the house.’ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, he did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And immediately regretted it. He’d been right to worry about money in the first place. When he got out into the world, he had no idea how any of it worked, uncomfortable with the realization that he was unlike any of them. All of his life, he’d been fed the lie that his differences made him better than everyone else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In all actuality, he was just stunted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took homelessness in stride, hoping that it would make him super noticeable to Diego. If Diego found him on the streets, for example, he would have the opportunity to explain himself for why he’d been such a fucking idiot in the first place. Maybe if he explained himself, his reasoning would make a lot of sense, and then he and Diego could be </span>
  <em>
    <span>happy</span>
  </em>
  <span> for the first time in their lives. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Really, Diego could much more easily find him when he wasn’t inside anywhere for long stretches of time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You could always search for him,” Ben pointed out. “Instead of just, like, waiting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel like you have to have some sort of certificate to be a life coach, Six,” Klaus told him, lighting a cigarette and leaning back against a shop window. Irritatingly, people were staring at him for the simple reason that he was communicating with a ghost, and they assumed Ben wasn’t actually there. Jokes on them, ghosts surrounded all of them at all times.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel like you’re projecting the fact that you’re sad about Diego not giving you attention onto being a dick to me, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Four.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Klaus rolled his eyes. Getting called </span>
  <em>
    <span>Four </span>
  </em>
  <span>didn’t actually affect him. While he knew that, yeah, it was demeaning that he had a number for many years rather than his name, he could never put much stock into it. He’d rather be called ‘Four’ by Reginald than something like, God forbid, ‘son.’ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me, does the stick up your ass hurt more than the tentacles in your stomach? Or is it about the same?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You make that joke all the time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Irrelevant. Now, answer the question.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think the thing that hurts the most is that I have to spend the rest of your life by your side.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go into the light for all I care,” he quipped before his eyes caught sight of Diego in the distance. He snuffed out the cigarette on the concrete, listening to Ben’s nauseatingly self-righteous protests behind him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Diego?” Klaus called out. “Is that you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Diego turned around, bewildered. When his face broke into a bright grin, Klaus felt his heart falter for a second. “What are you doing here, Klaus?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I, uh, left the Academy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s great.” He awkwardly patted him on the shoulder, and Klaus braced himself for the gross display of toxic masculinity. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn’t come, though. Diego kept smiling, hands in his pockets and telling him all about how much he missed him. Klaus almost panicked, worried that Diego was trying to get something out of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to hang out sometime?” Diego asked him. “I have an apartment… or, well, uh, kinda. It’s small. And a boiler room.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, Klaus could hardly complain about his place of residence, considering the fact that he didn’t technically have one at all. “I’m sure it’s great. Do you actually want to spend time together though?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course! I’d love to see you!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was starting to feel like Diego had some sort of personality lobotomy. “You would?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, Klaus, I actually like </span>
  <em>
    <span>you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s sweet,” Ben grumbled behind him. “Emphasizing the ‘you,’ thus implying that he dislikes the rest of us besides you. Is he aware that his dead brother that is </span>
  <em>
    <span>also</span>
  </em>
  <span> incredibly attractive to bisexual men is right beside him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Klaus ignored him, wringing his fingers together as he observed Diego’s face for any signs of deception, “I would like to hang out with you too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Great. I’m actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>busy now. If you’d like to-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course.”</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Diego wasn’t really sure if Klaus was his </span>
  <em>
    <span>boyfriend, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but it seemed like a somewhat insignificant term to describe them. He didn’t know if people even used that term seriously for one thing. The other was just that they were certainly </span>
  <em>
    <span>more </span>
  </em>
  <span>to each other than that. Because he’d never really considered Reginald a father, that aspect didn’t really bother him anymore, now that they were out of the house. What bothered him now was the persisting thought that Klaus would leave him the second he found somebody better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And, really, it was a reasonable thought. Diego understood that he might not actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>like </span>
  </em>
  <span>him, that he might have just gone for him because he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>around. </span>
  </em>
  <span>It wasn’t like all of them had many opportunities to explore. He couldn’t precisely bring it up, however, knowing that Klaus would think that he thought of him pretty poorly if he made it known that he worried about him cheating.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Klaus. He did. But Klaus was a beautiful man, could easily blend into everywhere he went and be fine, was </span>
  <em>
    <span>comfortable </span>
  </em>
  <span>with himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Diego envied that. It was a little better now that he left the mansion, but there was still something so disconcerting to him when Klaus wrapped his hand around his torso or kissed his cheek. He wanted nothing more than to just feel comfortable enough with himself that it just phased by him, the way everything seemed to for Klaus. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Klaus spends most days at his place, which Diego didn’t mind at all. They’d expanded beyond kissing pretty quickly after reuniting, but they still haven’t had just straight up sex. He was afraid to ask Klaus if he was a virgin, but he knew that </span>
  <em>
    <span>he </span>
  </em>
  <span>was a virgin. Losing his virginity was fine with him, but he wasn’t sure what to do, if he’d be awful at it. Sometimes he wanted to just ask Klaus if he could follow his lead, considering the fact that he didn’t have any idea how talented he was, especially with the fact that he’s been with nobody else to point out his technique. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a recurring thought, unfortunately. When Klaus palmed him through his pants and his hips would jerk up in response, wanting his attention, he often wondered when it would progress past </span>
  <em>
    <span>this. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He could be comfortable with </span>
  <em>
    <span>this </span>
  </em>
  <span>forever. Slipping his own hand underneath Klaus’s briefs, hand wrapping around him and watching the arousal cloud his eyes. Diego enjoyed where they were, right at this point. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you enjoy this?” Diego asked him one night. They were facing one another on his bed. Klaus was just wearing a pair of underwear, smirking every time Diego’s eyes began to explore. He himself was wearing a t-shirt and boxers, but Klaus kept running his hand over the skin at his torsos, palm resting against his abs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I enjoy this,” Klaus told him, laying his head on his shoulder. His hand moved up a little more until it was over his pounding heart. “Are you nervous?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because it was just Klaus, Diego nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Klaus gave him a small smile. “You don’t have to be. It’s just me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s exactly why I’m nervous. I don’t want to fuck this up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve really changed a lot since you left the mansion, you know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Diego shrugged. “I just realized what I cared about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So why do you flinch away when I try to hold your hand?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Diego averted his gaze, staring at the wall as resolutely as he could. “I don’t… know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What kind of response is that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The tone unsettled him, and he was reminded that he was already failing one of the best things that had ever happened to him. “It’s just that I’m not c-c-comfortable with yourself, n-n-not like y-you are.” Diego wanted to run away, feeling shame pool against his cheeks as his stutter came back from his anxiety. He wanted Mom. She would be able to help him, would listen to him when he explained how he was feeling.  There would be no judgement from her, and he’d be able to take away the pain in his chest that he got when he remembered that he wasn’t the kind of person Klaus or anybody else would ever care about forever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s that supposed to mean?” Klaus snapped. “You don’t think I get insecure too?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t, but that wasn’t what he meant. “I d-d-don’t h-have the ability to s-stop caring what other people th-think.” Couldn’t Klaus realize how upset he was? Was he persisting to prove some sort of point? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, whatever.” Klaus moved away, laying down to where they weren’t quite touching. “Let’s just go to sleep. Fuck.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“F-f-fine.” He’d rather not be talking right now anyways. It was embarrassing whenever it happened, usually only ever being a problem when he got really upset. There was likely no reason for him to even be this upset, but he kept thinking of the moment that Klaus would decide he was better than him and move on. He expected it to happen at any moment, and, now that they were arguing, he knew that was the final moment before they inevitably broke up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Why did he even </span>
  <em>
    <span>care</span>
  </em>
  <span> so much? If he just stopped caring, like he could easily do with everything else, none of this would matter. He’d be able to move on from the Academy for good, and he’d be better off for doing so. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He glanced over to Klaus. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was no way he </span>
  <em>
    <span>could </span>
  </em>
  <span>get over him. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for reading!!! I will update this likely after New Years as I’m working on fic-mas and fiveya secret santa and a few exchanges, but it should be completed by the end of January I think.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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